I sit here and look at my life and I wonder…
I wonder why so much has changed. I wonder what was the cause. I wonder if it is because of me…
When I look back at the last while and when things started to really change for me in my life it was around the same time that something major changed for me. I became a mom. Something that is so amazing has also caused so many questions in my life. Part of all of these questions come from me, I know that, but does it all? That is a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I am sure that many in my life (or now not in my life) would say that it is because of me.
I know that my in-laws blame so many of their issues on me. They blame me as the reason they didn’t come spend time with us. They blame me for the reason why they barely saw their grandkids. They blame me for being such a horrible hostess. They blame me for everything. Do you think they ever sat back and looked at the reasons why I wasn’t always so perfect? Do you think they even remember that I suffered from postpartum depression for almost 3 years? No instead they sit in their house enjoying their life, blaming me as the reason for all of their issues.
So does my mom blame me? I know I will never be the perfect person that my brother is. I have come to accept that.
I spent years wondering what I had to do for my family to actually look at me like I was something important. I looked at my life and thought that I had it all together. I had a husband who loved me no matter what. I had two beautiful, smart, amazing kids who loved me. I had a really nice home. I had a little business that I started many years ago that was successful, and I did that while also raising my amazing kids.
But even with all of this I felt like my family still looked at me like I was a troubled 18 year old little girl… I was never a troubled girl, but they looked at me like I was. Did they always think that I would amount to nothing? Do they still?
So I wonder, am I the reason that I barely have a relationship with my mom and when I do it is so dysfunctional? Am I the reason why I barely ever hear from my only brother? Am I the reason for all of the hurt that they cause my family?
I don’t think I will ever find the answers.
I think that all that I can do is move forward, to break the cycle and create a loving home for my kids. Where they can grow up and know that I love them no matter what. That I will support them in any decisions that they make in life. That I will love who they choose to be with in their life, because I know that they make them happy.
I want my kids to know that I love them, no matter what. And above all that I will always be here for them. I will be their biggest supporter in life, and their biggest fan.
That is how I will heal me.
I will also remind myself of all the amazing things I have in my life, my husband and kids. My friends, some old and some new (you know who you are!), they are some of the most empowering and supportive people I know. They keep me strong and teach me daily that I am a good person. And as a good friend reminded me “blood isn’t thicker than water”.
Inspired by Party Mummy’s post I decided I needed to do the same.
I am not going to type much extra because my space bar is all messed up on my brand new computer… and if I don’tbeaton it everything comes out likethis…
So please forgive me
I don’t know about your house but in mine all the Playhouse Disney shows are a big hit. We don’t actually get the channel thanks to our Satellite provider, so we rely on knowing the exact times that they run on the Family channel and tuning in then. My daughter is all about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but she also loves watching Handy Manny and Imagination Movers with her brother. When he was young he loved watching Little Einsteins. Honestly there is no Playhouse Disney programming that my two are not going to watch.
I have even found myself watching some without even having them around. Yes I have been known to enjoy a little cartoon time now and then! I remember watching many of these Disney characters as a child, so I enjoy sitting down and watching them with my kids.
Be sure to check out www.playhousedisney.ca where your kids can play games, watch videos and do activites. You can see the daily schedule, enter contests, check out the parents section for tips about web safety. Best of all you know that while your kids are enjoying the site they are in a safe environment.
- Lindsay Brewda is a graphic designer, owner of GraceAnnouncements.com, wife and mother of two. A chocolate lover and Pearl Jam fan, Lindsay also loves to blog about her crazy life - raising kids while running a business!