I think it is really not fair that there are people out there who lose weight when they are stressed… yes I know some of you are like that and right now I am not sure if we can still be friends!!

My husband is one of those people… he is unhappy with it.  He works very hard at the gym to keep a certain physical look.  We both way back when could eat whatever we want and not gain a pound.  He had to work out at the gym hard core, I had to have kids… JERK!!!

I will be in the bathroom getting ready, looking at myself in the mirror and feeling horrible about myself when he comes in and starts complaining about how much weight he has lost and how hard it will be for him to put it back on…. blab… I start to tune him out because if not I worry I might punch him in the face.  It is so not fair…

So as many of you know our life has been dealt its fair share of crap over the last 6 months.  Life has been stressful is putting it mildly.  I have been working my ass off (too bad not physically) and while I am sitting in front of my computer for 18+hours a day making money I am not being physically active.  I am not riding my bike with the kids, I am not using my treadmill, I am certainly not at the gym since I cancelled that membership when things went to shit.

What has all of this done to me???  I have gained a freaking extra 10 to 15 pounds since last winter… I am back at my just delivered weight and I feel horrible.  I look horrible…

My Lulu’s cut my waist so much that by the end of the day I am hurting.

CRAP, #&%!, $@#%… how did I let this happen?

Why can’t I be the person who loses weight when I am stressed?  SO NOT FAIR!

So with a closet full of clothes that barely fit, a refusal to buy new ones, and Blissdom Canada in less then 2 months I am going to do something about this.

I am going to get my ass off this chair.
I am going to take a break from working during my day and get on my treadmill.
I am going to eat healthy.
I am going to try to avoid chocolate. (keyword being “TRY”!)
I am going to take care of myself for once in a long long time.
I am going to do all of this and NOT feel guilty about doing it.

Oh and to all of you “WTF Lindsay you look great” haters out there – I was 105lbs before I had kids. I don’t ever aspire to get back there but I am certainly not happy here.  So please don’t hate me, instead help me, please!

So the lucky winner of our Playhouse Disney Giveaway is….

Kandice – thanks for your really nice comment!

I sit here and look at my life and I wonder…

I wonder why so much has changed.  I wonder what was the cause. I wonder if it is because of me…

When I look back at the last while and when things started to really change for me in my life it was around the same time that something major changed for me.  I became a mom.  Something that is so amazing has also caused so many questions in my life.  Part of all of these questions come from me, I know that, but does it all? That is a question that I don’t know the answer to.

I am sure that many in my life (or now not in my life) would say that it is because of me.

I know that my in-laws blame so many of their issues on me.  They blame me as the reason they didn’t come spend time with us.  They blame me for the reason why they barely saw their grandkids.  They blame me for being such a horrible hostess.  They blame me for everything. Do you think they ever sat back and looked at the reasons why I wasn’t always so perfect?  Do you think they even remember that I suffered from postpartum depression for almost 3 years?  No instead they sit in their house enjoying their life, blaming me as the reason for all of their issues.

So does my mom blame me?  I know I will never be the perfect person that my brother is. I have come to accept that.

I spent years wondering what I had to do for my family to actually look at me like I was something important.  I looked at my life and thought that I had it all together.  I had a husband who loved me no matter what.  I had two beautiful, smart, amazing kids who loved me.  I had a really nice home.  I had a little business that I started many years ago that was successful, and I did that while also raising my amazing kids.

But even with all of this I felt like my family still looked at me like I was a troubled 18 year old little girl… I was never a troubled girl, but they looked at me like I was.  Did they always think that I would amount to nothing?  Do they still?

So I wonder, am I the reason that I barely have a relationship with my mom and when I do it is so dysfunctional?  Am I the reason why I barely ever hear from my only brother?  Am I the reason for all of the hurt that they cause my family?

I don’t think I will ever find the answers.

I think that all that I can do is move forward, to break the cycle and create a loving home for my kids.  Where they can grow up and know that I love them no matter what.  That I will support them in any decisions that they make in life.  That I will love who they choose to be with in their life, because I know that they make them happy.

I want my kids to know that I love them, no matter what.  And above all that I will always be here for them.  I will be their biggest supporter in life, and their biggest fan.

That is how I will heal me.

I will also remind myself of all the amazing things I have in my life, my husband and kids.  My friends, some old and some new (you know who you are!), they are some of the most empowering and supportive people I know.  They keep me strong and teach me daily that I am a good person.  And as a good friend reminded me “blood isn’t thicker than water”.

Inspired by Party Mummy’s post I decided I needed to do the same.


I am not going to type much extra because my space bar is all messed up on my brand new computer… and if I don’tbeaton it everything comes out likethis…


So please forgive me

Thanks to Lisa @PartyMummy for getting me to do this!  See you at Blissdom Canada

Thursday was my kids last day of school, and one of our favourite teachers Mrs. V is not coming back.  See a year and a half ago Mrs. G the regular teacher went on mat leave, she was amazing.  She had us from the first month of school and my son, he loved her like family.  We were sad she was leaving for some time as Kal had a real connection with her.

Sorry if I have confused you, my kids go to a Montessori school and they are in the Casa program so they have the same teachers for 3 years, from 3 years old to 6 years old.  So that is why the teachers are with them for so many years!

At the beginning of that year when Mrs. G left they brought in Mrs. V part-time so all the kids would be comfortable with her.  She was great, but we were still worried.  But it turned out Mrs. V was amazing, she had this connection with our son that was unlike nothing we have seen before.  He loved her and I think she loved him too.  She would talk about him and get all excited just like we did, it was like she was a proud parent and he was her child.

He would draw for her and she would take it home and put it up on her fridge.  Her kids were grown (although you would never know from looking at her, she always looked amazing and young!) up and her students were like her little kids.  She was sick for a week earlier this year, and he missed her while she was gone.  So much so that when she returned he went into the class and broke into tears when he gave her a big hug.

So as the end of the year approached we knew Mrs. V would probably be moving on to another class or another school.  But so was Kal, he was turning 6 and moving on to grade 1 so even if she stayed he would not have her as a teacher.

Well Friday was the big Family Fun day that the school puts on for everyone to celebrate the end of another great year and the beginning of the summer.  We arrived and saw Mrs. V as soon as we got there and gave her a big hug.  I immediately asked her if she was going to be there for a while because I had a card/gift for her.

The day went on and close to the end I kept looking for her, I asked some of the other teachers who said that yes she was still there, but I could not find her anywhere.  I looked and looked and finally before leaving I asked the principal if she had left and she said she did…

I felt my heart drop…

I didn’t get to say goodbye.  I didn’t get to thank her for being such an amazing teacher.  I didn’t get to tell her how much of an impact she made on my son.

I am sure she knew those things, but I wanted to tell her and give her a great big hug.

I gave my card to the principal and I told her to please give Mrs. V my email as I really wanted to tell her so much more then I wrote in the card, I wanted to tell her so much in person.

I started to tear up thinking that I might never see this woman who loved my son like he was her own, who taught him so much, who understood him and who he is.

Writing this makes me sad… maybe this sounds crazy to some of you, but if you had met her you would understand.

So in case this is my only goodbye…

Mrs. V:  Thank you for being such an amazing teacher and leaving this lasting memory in our hearts.  You touched Kalman in a way that many can’t.  We will be forever grateful for everything that you did for him and miss you.  Keep teaching and touching others hearts xoxo

My son just finished his last day of school for this year, but this year it is something different.  He is moving on to Grade 1.  For him the kindergarten doesn’t make sense, he has been going to an amazing Montessori school for the past 3 years and learning the Casa program.  No JK or SK for him.  He had a 3 year Casa program that taught him all the same and more.  Sure we didn’t have a big graduation with caps and gowns, but we have amazing memories and wonderful report cards.  We have teachers who loved him so much, he really did touch the hearts of his teachers, and he had a few head ones over the 3 years.  They are sad to see him go, we are sad to see him go, but we know next year will only be better.  And we do still have his little sister in the class for the next 3 years!


He has gone on field trips that I went on when I was in grade 6, they do nature walks, he studied Monet and even recreated a few of his paintings.  He has learned in these 3 years what I learned in the first 6 grades of elementary school.  There were things he did that I don’t understand, still even after being shown and reading online.  Take the binomial or trinomial cubes, do it, click on the links and tell me if it makes sense.  Okay don’t because if it makes sense to you all you are going to do is make me feel stupid!


He learned decimals, multiplication and division, linear counting.  They taught geography (my almost 6 year old knows more places on the map then I do), history, science, art, music.  He can write in cursive.  I could go on and on, but I won’t subject you to my “see how amazing my son is” speech.  He is no smarter then his friends in our neighbourhood, he is just different.


Most of all the last 3 years have taught him respect for others and objects around him.  He respects his environment.  He is so helpful and considerate to his sister and fellow classmates.  All the kids are, they are so well behaved at school it isn’t even funny.  I still can’t figure out why I can’t get him to be like that at home.


It taught me that he is growing up and independent and to just let him do things on his own.  He knows how to use real scissors and has since he was 3.  They have real scissors and real glass in the class and no one is freaked out by it.  If one child breaks or spills something by accident another will come over and clean it up.  They just get up and help, no questions asked, no comments made. 


I am so proud of the boy he is and I look forward to future years so that I am able to see more of how he develops himself.


I really didn’t mean for this post to be about how fantastic Montessori was, but it has, because it is.  Seeing how it has shaped my son over the last three years, and my daughter over the last 3 months has blown me away.  I will forever and always be a believer in the system, because it just makes sense.  I was never an amazing student.  I never got straight A’s.  Many times I didn’t understand what was being taught to me, because I have never been one to do as people say because that is what they say.  I question a lot, and that is why when I first toured his school I was sold, because the way they taught made sense.  It made sense to me, a grown adult and it made sense to the kids who were there learning it.


Some of the cool characteristics and benefits of the Montessori method:

• Three year age span of children within the classroom – Older children teaching younger children, sense of community and builds self esteem.
• Self correcting materials within the environment – Children learn through their own errors to make the correct decision versus having the teacher point it out to them.
• Individual learning takes place within the environment – Montessori recognizes that each child learns at a different pace and allows that growth to take place.
• Children are quiet by choice and out of respect for others within the environment – The Montessori classroom allows children to return to the “inner peace” that is a natural part of their personalities.
• There is an emphasis on concrete learning rather than on abstract learning – Children need to experience concepts in concrete “hands-on” ways
• It is a child-centered environment – All the materials are easily within the child’s reach and placed on shelves at their levels. The tables and chairs are small enough for the children to sit comfortably while the pictures and decorations are placed at the children’s eye level.
• The children work for the joy of working and the sense of discovery – Children are natural leaders or “sponges” and delight in learning new tasks. Their interests lie in the work itself rather than in the end product.
• The environment provides a natural sense of discipline – The “ground rules” or expectations of the child are clearly stated and are enforced by the children and the teachers.
• The environment is “prepared” for the children – Everything in the room has a specific place on the shelf. Children are orderly by nature and having the room set this way allows them to grow in a very positive way.
• The teacher plays a very unobtrusive role in the classroom – The children are not motivated by the teacher, but by the need for self development.